Insomnia

Last night I went to bed at a good time, overtired and ready for a good night's sleep. Yet here I am for the last two hours surfing the net, reading, writing, and playing word games and totally wide awake! Why is it that every now and again, something wakes me up in the middle of the night? Was it a busy day? Oh yes definitely. Too much information to process in a sixteen-hour period and my mind cannot settle down even though my body is screaming, "Get some sleep! You're gonna regret this at work tomorrow." My husband was snoring. Loudly! He was the first one to wake me up. Then my dog started crying outside the bedroom door, so I got up and put her out. And waited in the chilly night while she explored the back yard at 2am. Then I tried to go back to sleep. I hit the couch but it was no use. My mind is too active. I need sleep. I crave it. There is a full day of meetings scheduled tomorrow, today actually. But I'm awake. Why?

Perhaps it is the uncertainty we live in. Economics. Downsizing. Layoffs. I stopped watching the news when my company's stock price went down from the thirty-dollar range to single digits. Perhaps at the bottom of this insomnia lies a fear unspoken or unmasked. It sits there waiting for me to peel back the layers. Thinking about it and pondering. What is this fear? Why am I wrestling with these negative thoughts? Why do I fear for my job? Yes, I am qualified to do my job. But many others are too. Yes, I am ready for a change. But I like my boss. I like my work. I don't want too much change. Maybe fewer tasks, more time to write - I blog at work, too. But I can't share that one because it is inside our firewalls. So many people at work are worried. I worry with them. It is inevitable at my age (I am older than the president!) without a degree (which is why I am at Queens) and a lack of math-ability (call it math dyslexia, poor training in elementary school, math fear, whatever! I don't do numbers) and I'm working in a financial services company, it is more than inevitable, that I will get a pink slip one day. I'm working my tail off to add value wherever I can. I've learned a lot on my own. I've networked. I've taught others. Yet with every transition, every re-organization, I find myself wondering if it will be my turn.

Maybe that is why in the middle of the night, I awaken, toss and turn, fire up my laptop and check into Facebook, read what my friends are doing. Try to forget that my workday is drawing near. We could see a lot of changes with today's announcement. I told my team not to lose sleep over it. No heartache necessary, we're learning to deal with change on a regular basis. And I'm not usually the fearful one with reorganizational announcements. They come so frequently of late. I don't know why I'm even thinking these irrational thoughts. It's not normal for me. Maybe because we had to write about our fears last week. They are bubbling to the surface and in forefront of my mind. I'm thinking about things that make me fearful. I've been out of work before and don't want it to happen again. Not until I can make it on my terms.

I'm dragging myself off to bed now but afraid I won't be able to sleep.